there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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