You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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