wakey wakey hands off snakey
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
