I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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