garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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