Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
