Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
