Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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