Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
