you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Randomize
