omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Sorry my hands just texted you
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Randomize
