This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
