Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
