I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
