the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
