The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
