Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize