That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
