The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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