Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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