dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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