I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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