I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
