I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
