I just made out with a guy for $7.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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