Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
