New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
