Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
