i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize