if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
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