There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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