If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
