theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
