I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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