I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
