where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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