it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
