She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
