thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize