Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
