I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
