12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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