I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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