My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
What a dumb baby whore.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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