Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
