Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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