He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
