she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
