matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
