She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
you inspire me to be a worse person
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
