oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Enjoy the penises
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
