i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
