he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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