More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
