with your own penis?
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
