Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
